Up Late with Stewie & Brian/Transcript

 [ Cleveland Brown and the Tokens play instrumental]

Brian Griffin: Live from the Quahog Community Center, it's Up Late with Stewie & Brian. Tonight, the pandering to your liberal guilt, comedy stylings of D. L. Hughley. And apology to Hymies and guineas by Michael Richards–his words, not ours. And, time permitting, from the new Fox comedy The Winner,. And now, here's your host, a man who thinks matricide is more than killing your mattress. Stewie Griffin!

Stewie Griffin: Thank you, thank you! Oh, hot crowd tonight, hot crowd.

Brian Griffin: Yes!

Stewie Griffin: Thank you, thank you. So, Cleveland, uh, did Steve Harvey have a yard sale?

Brian Griffin: Ah, you know, I don't know who that is.

Stewie Griffin: Used to be a performer; is now our valet. So, what's up with that suit, man?

Cleveland Brown: My mother, who just died, picked it out. I honestly wish you hadn't said that.

Stewie Griffin: Heh. So, uh, Brian, could you believe the traffic today?

Brian Griffin: Yes, lots of traffic. Many cars in front of each other making it, uh, hard to get to our respective destinations.

Stewie Griffin: Hey, oh, I can't believe you went there, Lassie. Yep, lots of traffic. In fact, it was so crowded today.

Studio audience: How crowded was it?!

Stewie Griffin: Well, I'm glad you asked. It was so crowded I felt like I was in line for Leah Remini's vagina, [crowd laugh] which is funny, of course, because she doesn't have one. [crowd murmur] Commence monologue. Oh, but-but this is interesting, I read in the paper that Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency.

Brian Griffin: Woah!

Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that'd be great for Bill. He could be "First Philanderer". "First Philanderer". You remember, everyone? A fat girl made stuff come out of him. Really wasn't that long ago.

Brian Griffin: Uh, they're idiots.

Stewie Griffin: Ah, well. We've, uh, got a great show. Uh, let's hear it for Cleveland Brown and the Tokens. [Cleveland Brown and the Tokens playing instrumental]. Sounds great, guys. And we'd like to welcome back our drummer, Sticks Murphy, who just served six months for possession. How's it going, Sticks?

"Sticks Murphy": Great, Stewie, thank you!

Stewie Griffin: You, uh, look a little uncomfortable. Do you want someone to push in your stool?

Brian Griffin: He's been in prison for six months, I think he's had enough of that.

Stewie Griffin: OK, uh, it's time for a segment that I like to call, "Stewie Calls His Mother". A little dialing music, Doc? [music plays; audience cheer; ringing] OK, OK, it's-it's ringing.

Lois Griffin: Hello?

Stewie Griffin: I'm gonna kill you! [slams telephone] Mommy, she's a good sport. Give it up for the bitch. [audience applaud] OK, we'll be right back with more of the scripted funny. And Rob Corddry, who will tell us why it's hip to be bald and possibly, though I have nothing to base this on, gay.

[audience applaud; Cleveland Brown and the Tokens play instrumental]

Stewie Griffin: Alright, welcome back. Uh, Rob Corddry will be out in a moment and, of course, the incontinent panda. [audience laugh] But first, what do we always do on this night, Brian?

Brian Griffin: Funny obits?

[audience cheer; Cleveland Brown and the Tokens play instrumental]

Stewie Griffin: Funny obits! OK, OK. Here's a funny one, "Harold Prick, aged 84, of Charleston, South Carolina. Survived by his wife, Vagina Prick." Boy, that doesn't sound real.

Brian Griffin: Vagina, huh? I, uh, hope she doesn't remarry President Bush.

[audience laugh, cheer and applaud]

Stewie Griffin: My, oh, my, we are having some enjoyment now. Uh, alright, we are very lucky to have a huge star with us tonight. Would you please welcome, from The Daily Show and Arthur and the Invisibles, Mr. Rob Corddry. [audience cheer] So, Rob, great to have ya. How's tricks?

Uh, you know, I just did huge movies with and, but-but you felt like you had to lead with Arthur and the Invisibles for some reason.

Stewie Griffin: The only thing more invisible than Arthur was the box office profits.

Rob Corddry: OK, you had that prepared, didn't you?

Brian Griffin: Yeah, couldn't ad-lib a fart at a bean eating contest.

[audience laugh]

Stewie Griffin: That's not even his line, Johnny Carson said that like thirty years ago!

Brian Griffin: Aw, let him sue me from the grave. [audience jeer] Hey, oh, not the type of crowd for that type of humor.

Stewie Griffin: So tell me, Rob, you were on The Daily Show for years, was Jon Stewart a homosexual or simply a tyrant?

Rob Corddry: Uh... well, uh, no, neither, neither–

Stewie Griffin: Because-because I get the sense, and this is all kidding aside, I get the sense from watching that show and from things that I've heard in the press and that people have told me that he's just a genuinely bad person.

Rob Corddry: [laughs] But, uh, anyhow.

Stewie Griffin: Well, uh... yeah, let's, uh, y-you wanna talk about The Winner?

Rob Corddry: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah! I'm really excited about it, it's a sitcom on Fox. It's been getting, you know, really great reviews, if I may say so myself. And, um, it's sort of about a guy going through his wonder years at the age of 32. It's gonna be on Sunday nights... um, really fun. The way that I got into character was to sort of just, God I don't know, um, you ever do any ? Because I like to mirror exercises, I can, you know, uh–

Stewie Griffin: Any what?

Rob Corddry: Huh?

Stewie Griffin: Hmm?

Rob Corddry: Meisner exercises. Uh-uh, it's just shop talk. Sorry, sorry.

Stewie Griffin: Meisner? Is that the last name of the guy who played in War and Remembrance?

[audience murmur]

Rob Corddry: Uh...

Stewie Griffin: Y-You know what? Never mind, it's not important. Um... Rob, have you ever climaxed to the sound of your own voice?

Rob Corddry: What?

Stewie Griffin: Have you ever climaxed to the sound of your own voice? I couldn't–

Rob Corddry: No, OK, I get it. No. Why, have you?

[audience laugh]

Stewie Griffin: Couldn't help but notice a bit of a mild erection.

[audience murmur]

Brian Griffin: Woah!

Rob Corddry: These are the pant–these pants just fit me weird.

Stewie Griffin: It's, you know what? I hear ya.

Rob Corddry: Look, see. That's nothing, that's just fabric. It's just fabric.

Stewie Griffin: No, I see–I see you pushing it in. And you know what? Sold, sold.

Rob Corddry: Can we just talk more about the–

Stewie Griffin: Yep, absolutely. Um, so, uh, what-what drew you to The Winner? Was it the chance to work with ?

Rob Corddry: Oh, no, no. She's-she's actually not on the show, I don't–she doesn't work much anymore, I don't think.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's a disappointment. You ever notice her forehead seems to be taking over the rest of her face?

[audience laugh]

Rob Corddry: Aw, that's-that's not nice.

Stewie Griffin: I'd still do it, though. I'd still hit that.

Rob Corddry: What?

Stewie Griffin: I would hit that. I would still absolutely hit that. Something-something awful. Bend her over a chair and do things to her upper body and her arms and, uh, feed her grapes.

Rob Corddry: Yeah, you don't even like women, do you?

Stewie Griffin: No, not particularly. But listen, Rob, this has been so much fun. I can't even tell you, this has been the highlight of my day. Uh, thank you so much for stopping by.

Rob Corddry: What, that's it?! You didn't even ask me anything about my show, I flew in from New York for this. OK, New York City, ever hear of it?

Stewie Griffin: World's smallest violin.

Rob Corddry: Ugh, OK. This guy is obviously a douche. Um, what about you, why-why don't you ask me something? You seem to be, uh, an intelligent–

Brian Griffin: Uh, ye–uh, yeah, did you, uh, how–what was, um, uh... this a TV show, right?

Rob Corddry: Yeah.

Brian Griffin: That you're involved with.

Rob Corddry: Yes.

Brian Griffin: What, uh, was that–that must've been... that must've been something.

Rob Corddry: Really? That's what you got?

Brian Griffin: Did you-did you like, uh, did you like the process?

Rob Corddry: You know what? you, talking dog and baby! [audience murmur] Get this mic off me. [microphone hits floor]

[closing credits instrumental]